I am 26 years old. I’ve been married for 2 years and 4 months. I own a house, and pay my mortgage. I have a 24 year old sister that lives in a guest room. I have 3 dogs surrounding me approximately 8 hours of the day (then Laura comes home…they love her more). I’m a seminary student working on my M.Div. I am a son with 2 happily married parents. I am a brother to 2 sisters and a brother (I’m #2 of 4). I am 6 feet tall and weigh anywhere from 158lbs to 162lbs (depending on the time of day. I am becoming more and more aware that I have absolutely no concrete idea for what my life will hold for me.
What if I die on the way to the light rail station tonight?
If there is one thing that has changed in the last few years, it’s the emotional response I perceive in myself when I think of that question. Of course that is an over-simplification. Much has changed, from my reasons for believing what I believe (namely, I have some), to the way I interact with God’s Word, to my music preferences, to my responsibilities, etc.
What I mean by that is that over the last few years, all of the changes in my life have informed my emotional response to that question. I can’t say that my answer would be different if it were verbalized; it’s clear, however, that my internal response has been cemented as it had never been before. I have no life-defining desire to accomplish certain life goals (get married, have kids, have a job, etc). Part of me wonders if that is because I’ve accomplished some of these goals already, but I think it is deeper than that.
When people ask what is most important in life, it’s kind of a loaded question. Of course everyone knows that they are supposed to say certain things. Family. Loved ones. God. But what if we actually gave intellectually honest answers to that question? Often times our answer would be “watching football on Sundays,” or “having the freedom to do whatever it is that I want to do at a particular time.”
I can’t honestly say that my answer to that question would be satisfactory to most who look at me as a seminarian seeking to serve God in a pastorate in a local church somewhere. The beauty of the last few years though, is that I know now that it is insignificant that I might never have a “satisfactory” answer. Not unimportant, but insignificant. Because even the most important things in life have been completely overshadowed by God and His grace.
This isn’t really a coherent post…I’m okay with that right now.